Emotional Distance

A lot of the time I am not the most emotional person. Things that make normal people cry make me sit there and go "Really? That is not worth crying over." Sometimes I even crack a joke about it. Because of this my brother has said that I have a black hole for a heart or that I have a heart of ice. While people cry over loss or sickness or something happy, I typically sit there emotionless and held together. Emotionally distant.
Do not let my lack of emotion fool you. I actually do care about what is happening, unless it effects me in a highly personal way, I won't show much emotion. Certain things actually effect me, I just don't show it until later on when I am alone in my room and nobody can see me crying. 
Being able to keep my emotions in check in highly emotional circumstances is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I am able to keep calm and collected and get things done and take care of the people who are hurting, pushing my feelings aside until later on. It is a curse because people think I don't have a heart and don't necessarily take the time to get to know me because they see this closed off, "cold," mostly emotionless exterior and don't bother.
My mom says that my being able to keep my emotions in check and together in distress is a good thing, especially with the field of work I am going to go into. I have to be able to not have a poor reaction to shocking news when it is told to me. Keeping a straight face when told something shocking or horrible is very much needed in the field of psychology.
I despise crying in front of people. I have actually done it enough times to know that I hate it. One of the most recent times was when my older brother Snotty was getting ready to pass away. I was an emotional mess and ended up not being able to keep it together. I just sat in my bible class that Wednesday night maybe a half hour after finding out and had silent tears streaming down my face. One of my friends hugged me and the others offered their condolences. I was a blubbering mess. 
I bet you all are wondering now why I am telling you this...
Today is my Aunt Annie's 38th birthday.... 
And I am an emotional mess on the inside. 
Writing is easier for me to express my emotions than speaking or showing it on my face. 
I bet you are wondering "Why is she an emotional mess about it being her Aunt's birthday?"
Well let me tell you. 
My Aunt is sick. 
Not the "I have a cold" sick. 
The "My life is coming to a close" sick. 
My Aunt has an extremely rare sickness or disorder where she is unable to communicate and it is effecting her memory as well. She is in a full time care facility because of this disorder. And as it progresses, she will eventually have no memory of her family. I can probably guess that if I saw her right now, she more than likely would not recognize me. So today is, in short, sucky.
My dad posted this on Facebook today:
"Normally, on a September 15th I'd just call or text my little sister and wish her a happy birthday. But I can't do that this year. As it stands, I'll never be able to do that again. She's suffering with a rare disorder that prevents her from being able to communicate. The disorder also impacts her memory. And it's getting progressively worse. She is receiving full-time care in a facility that can help her as her conditions digresses. Anyway, I'm not good at sharing my feelings, but today I feel like I need to share something. I love my little sister and it hurts deeply to see her suffer, to see my nephew, and my family hurt. Today I feel anger, regret, sorrow . . . but more than anything, I feel love. Love makes you feel this way when someone you love is suffering. Love makes you feel a kind of weakness that is almost unbearable at times. Today it feels pretty unbearable. Please pray for us."
As you can see, today is a tough day for my entire family.
I am not writing this for pity.
I am writing this because I can be hard to read and to get close to because of my emotional distance. I am trying to be less closed off to people in a way that I can easily do, through writing.
Here's to being slightly less emotionally distant today.
Happy Birthday Aunt Annie. I love and miss you dearly.

This is my favorite picture of my Aunt Annie and my cousin Marlon after he was born.

XOXO

Ashley

Long Time

So I know it has been a long time since I posted last, but I have sort of been busy.... OKAY! I'll admit it! I was lazy! But anywho.....
My classes started this week. Well, two of them started this week. My Creative Writing class and my Social Psychology class. My World Mythology class and Human Growth and Development class don't start until september 10th. At that point I will be a whole lot busier! 
For my Creative Writing class, I had to write about a "scene" of a moment of tension. I have gotten a lot of good feedback from my classmates and a few people from Facebook have expressed that they would like to read what I wrote. So I figure, "Why not put my writings on my blog so people can read them?" So that is what I am going to do. So my "scene" or short story or moment or whatever you want to call it is going to be posted right here for all to read! Keep in mind, it is rather short. It had to be 100 words or more. This is a bit scary for me because I never let anyone read my stories, except for my best friend Courtney! So here it goes!

The Next Day

            The day started off like any normal Saturday. Sleeping in. Rolling out of bed and stumbling down the stairs and straight to the coffee pot. Pouring a hot cup. Adding a half spoonful of sugar and a splash of caramel macchiato creamer. Taking the hot cup of coffee and moving from the coffee nook to the main counter, she walked in. The animosity between us was so intense, you probably could have taken a knife and tried to cut it. The problem was, the tension was so thick that it would be more like trying to saw through a hockey puck with a dull knife.

            Secretly I was hoping things would be a little less tense. Of course I don’t know why I was hoping that, seeing as the nasty things that were said were from her. Grant it, I did say some hurtful things, but not anywhere near the degree she did.

            She got what she needed and left the kitchen as fast as physically possible. I grabbed my coffee and went to the TV room thinking she went to the other living room. A hunting show was on so I automatically thought nobody was in there. Much to my dismay, I was wrong. I tried to keep my cool and not let her see my surprise. I held my head high and strode confidently over to the recliner on the opposite side of the room and sat down. Looking at her from the corner of my eye, she had a look if surprise on her face that I would dare to be in the same room as her highness.

            A triumphant little smirk crawled across my face as she huffed her irritation and stormed from the room, I was not about to let her make me feel inferior in my own home. After all, she was a temporary guest until she could find her own place to live. I grabbed the remote and flipped through the channels as I happily sipped on my cup of coffee.

Singles Awareness Day

Happy Valentine's Day! Or as I like to say, Happy Singles Awareness day! Sadly I despise this day. To me it's just another day where unnecessary money is spent. I feel that it should not be about the gifts, but being with someone you love and spending time with them. Yeah gifts are great, and I love receiving as much as the next girl, but this year its hard to give back. Money is still a bit tight for me. Yes I have a job, and God has definitely provided, but all of my money goes into my savings account to pay for this semester. Alas! I am not able to spend money on anyone.... for now!
College so far is going great! I actually love "going" to school! I put going in quotes because my classes are all online. I am, thankfully, self motivated and organized enough that I can focus enough to get my work done. The big question is, where am I going to transfer to? Pepperdine? Harding? ACU? I'm mainly leaning towards ACU right now. I hope to take a college tour with my dad sometime this year so I can make a better decision on where I want to go. Its going to be tough.
God is so great! He really has provided! He has literally taken care of me to make enough money for my payments for this semester! I am literally blessed. I cannot express how much I love God. He always makes sure everything is taken care of even when I don't realize it.
In exactly a month, I get to see my best friend! It is very much needed especially after yesterday. There is going to be shenanigans going on in Colorado! Nobody knows what is coming! Haha the deafening duo will be reunited and everybody will know! It has been like 2 years since we have seen each other in person. It will be saddening when we have to part, but I will be going back to Michigan for sure in July, so we will not be apart for too terribly long!
I really am excited to go back to Michigan. I miss my family there and my best friend, who is pretty much family. It has been way too long since I have been back. I am so ready to hit the Birch Run Outlets! They don't have any good outlet malls in Colorado, and I need new jeans and such! Speaking of clothing, I am going to try and get into making my own dresses and skirts! Specifically maxi dresses, maxi skirts, and probably a-line skirts that are nice an flowy. I believe it will be cheaper for me to do that, plus I will get to dress like a hippy. PERKS! I love flowy and comfortable clothing as well as my usual dark colored tops with jeans. Cindy and Courtney really have gotten me more into fashion.
Well that is all for now!

XOXO

Almost The End!

So its been a while! I've been rather busy with school and watching little ones. The good news is that my classes have been going great! I am almost done with my first semester of college! Crazy I know... It feels like just yesterday I was in high school... Striving to survive in the halls and getting ran into because I was too short to see! Good times...
One of my assignments for my English class was to do an exploratory blog! You can view that Here. It takes you to the first post I made =] It is about Vampires, which I am kind of a major nerd about. I literally could tell you extremely useless knowledge about vampires that you never knew. It talks about vampires and the effects they have had in major parts of media, like literature, television and movies. I get to write a persuasive essay about vampires in media too!It has to be 2000+ words! Fun times... maybe! Lets hope I can actually find enough resources for it!
I have some pretty major decisions to make pretty soon... Like which University to go to... It's between Abilene Christian University and Harding University... I've heard great things about each school =] I've been pretty set on going to ACU, but I'm not going to rule out Harding just yet! I'm kind of going to use it as a back up plan... maybe! I hope to go tour each campus with my dad fairly soon. We have a lot of things to discuss about my future!
I will definitely be praying about this! We shall see what God has planned for me =]

Exciting Whirlwind!

Exciting times are ahead, new adventures are beginning, and my life is going to be thrown into a whirlwind of activity! Well, I can only hope...

College starts Tuesday! I am way excited! It is going to be good =] I am WAY to excited for this. Ha ha but I'm a nerd and I have no life. Between watching babies, Jacob's football games, homework and, most importantly, church, I am going to be busy! Its better than being bored!

I am glad for the opportunities God has given me. It really is awesome that He put my family out here in Colorado! I have made new friends and am working with new people! I know that I sometimes take that for granted. God has made sure my family was taken care of since we moved out here, and he still makes sure we are. I'm glad that I have finally realized this.

My one complaint about Colorado is that at the high school football games, there are no soft pretzels! I seriously thrived on those things when Jacob played football in Millington! At least they have nachos... which I can't eat! Ugh!

That whirl wind I'm hoping for is going to make me super busy. Homework alone should take up a bunch of my time. Which actually is a relief for me. I'm the girl that actually likes homework... Crazy, huh? Ha ha The only class that I know I'm going to not like is Western Civilizations. I despise history with a burning passion of a thousand suns! My junior year history teacher, Mr. Barbou can attest to that! Good news is, I will have chocolate chips to keep me awake while I'm studying =] Thank you mother for starting that when you saw me falling asleep on the couch my junior year while I was doing history homework. Hopefully I won't gain my freshman 15 because of that! Needless to say, I'm going to try and fit in a visit to the gym at least once a week. Probably on Saturday afternoons because that very well may be my least busy day of the week!

Driving to Michigan for Thanksgiving break will be some major "downtime" for me. I'm ready for this crazy next part of my life. Bring on the homework!

xoxo 

Falling Into Place

Things are FINALLY starting to fall into place! I got my driver's license changed over to Colorado so that I will have less of a hassle. I got approved for COF. I'm all registered for classes and my books are in the mail! Life is good! I am so excited for classes to start! Dad and I got things squared away for my tuition bill. This has been a crazy roller coaster for me to figure out.
Something that's been on my mind lately is that just because I don't talk to someone, doesn't mean that I'm not gonna be there for them. This has recently popped up. I had an old friend pop back in my life out of nowhere. That friend and I used to be really super close. Its sad really that time and distance has made us grow apart. I don't quite know how to tell that friend that I will always be there for them, even if we no longer talk. Maybe they will read this... who knows!
So something I forgot to put in my last post is that I went to go see Aerosmith on August 1st! It was my birthday present from my dad. My mom took me and it was totally amazing!!! I so want to see them again if they are in the area ever again, but this time I'm gonna be right next to that stage!
I am way excited for November to get here! I am going back to Michigan for Thanksgiving! I get to see my family and i get to see some of my friends and of course my beautiful niece, Jezzamine! Plus I get to see my awesome, amazing, beautiful, talented best friend! I'm so excited to see people from Otisville CofC! I miss my kids I used to watch and of course the people there! The only bad part is the 20 hour drive back. Yes, I said drive. It is going to be worth it though! I hope to be able to see everyone that I want to see. I should be there for only a week.
Things are looking up. Like I said earlier... Things are starting to fall into place! Good is good =] 
xoxo

The beauty of Colorado =]

College Crazy!

So things have been a little... crazy lately. I am currently trying to get things squared away for college. Who knew it would be such a pain to establish residency! I mean I have lived here for an entire year now!... technically.... So August 21st, 2011 was the day I moved across the country to beautiful Colorado. So on Tuesday I will have lived here for an "official" year! 
I love my job! Charlotte is just the most wonderful kid to watch! She reminds me so much of Gabe personality wise! She will be a year old on Thursday! I can honestly say I have watched her grow... for the past few months... I have been watching the twins (Stefie and Allie) on Tuesdays and Thursdays. That is so far only for this month. But that is OK! They are wonderful to have and very helpful with Charlotte =]
Now to the crazy part of my life... COLLEGE!!! Yes I am now OFFICIALLY a college student! *cue the applause* Thank you thank you! You're far to kind! lol Well it has been a major thorn in my side for the past month! I had to fill out paperwork to petition for residency. Well the lady I had a meeting with gave me the wrong form! So I had to fill out this other sheet with my dad to make sure I was considered a resident. This other sheet was given to us by the head of admissions and told us EXACTLY what we needed. So we go and talk to a counselor to make sure my classes will line up with ACU to make sure they transfer for next fall and all that was good. We take our form for my residency and the lady at the desk says she will approve it, but it probably isn't all the right information. UGH!!! Well the next day i check my student email and my residency was approved! YAY! The head of admissions told me that I need to fill out the Colorado Opportunity Fund. Sounds simple enough, right? WRONG!!! You have to have a Colorado drivers license to fill it out! Yet another snag! So now I have to go finally get my license switched from MI to CO. So I emailed the admissions lady this morning and asked what to do because I wasn't able to switch my license over this morning. I didn't have 4 hours to stand in line because I had to get back to work. She told me not to worry and set up a payment plan so that I won't get dropped from my classes. Then I will have some time to get my license switched over and get my COF application in and taken care of. *whew* So that has been a major headache for me lately. After I get something done and taken care of another problem shows up!
So next fall I will *hopefully* be at Abilene Christian University! That's the plan anyways! I have stuff for the Onstead Scholarship to fill out for that. That is their Preacher Kid discount lol plus I'm going to make sure I keep my GPA up between a 3.2 and 4.0 so i can get a decent chunk of money off my tuition! 
Since I last wrote, I have turned 19! I went to a Concert on my moms birthday, and then 2 days later my dad took me for my birthday dinner! It was an awesome birthday weekend!

I went to see Van Halen 4 days before my 19th birthday! I also went to the Texas de Brazil for my birthday and defiantly ate my money's worth!

A couple weeks after my birthday my Grandpa Terry and cousin Marlon came out to visit. We took Marlon up to Estes Park and to the Continental Divide! It was so much fun!

I went to the continental divide while Marlon was out here visiting with us! Plus we had to have a family picture! He is growing up on me!

Things are starting to fall into place! I am SUPER excited to enter this phase of my life! I have waited patiently for all of this. I am very much ready for all that college has to give! I couldn't be happier with my life right now!
Until next time... XOXO